Forget the Zombie Apocalypse

phonecrazy
VOICEMAIL #1: (A rough, raspy, female voice speaking in a frantic manner) “I need help and I need it now. You must call me before they get inside!”

VOICEMAIL #2: “You have to help me. If they get in, they will kill me.” (She then began to whisper something inaudible into the phone before hanging up.)

VOICEMAIL #3: “They’re circling and they’re going to be in soon. I have no way to defend myself. I need help. Please, help me. Please.”

Concerned for her safety, I called the number back without continuing with the messages.

ME: “I just heard your messages. Are you safe?”

CALLER: “NO!”

ME: “Ma’am, we are an animal rescue agency. You probably needed to call the police.”

CALLER: (screaming) “They won’t help me! They told me they couldn’t do anything. They told me to call you!”

ME: “Ok, ok, tell me what is happening.”

CALLER: “It’s those darn cats outside. They’re gonna kill me.”

Oh, it’s one of THOSE calls.

ME: “Ma’am, are these cats someone’s pets or are they feral?”

CALLER: “Oh, they are feral, honey. Definitely feral. They are here to kill me. They are going to eat me.” (She started to raise her voice) “I can’t even get to my car. They are circling my house and I don’t have much time left!”

ME: “Ma’am, why do you think these animals intend to harm you?”

CALLER: “Because my neighbor trained them to kill me.”

ME: “Are these your neighbor’s cats?”

CALLER: “Yes, and that woman has been building an army to destroy me. They’re gonna get me!”

ME: “Ma’am, I’m not Animal Control. I don’t have the authority to come and pick up cats that belong to your neighbor. You may need to discuss this issue with her and work through it as neighbors.”

CALLER: “In the name of Jesus, I demand you come and destroy these cats. They are multiplying right before my eyes. They are going to come in and kill me. You are called by God Almighty to destroy these creatures.”

ME: (as politely as I could muster) “Ma’am, you REALLY have called the WRONG place. It’s my job to save the lives of cats and dogs. I work for a no kill animal advocacy group. We don’t destroy cats. I will however make a phone call to your landlord and adult services to see if…”

CALLER: (cutting me off, screaming with conviction) “DEVIL, I BIND YOUR POWERS AND I SEND YOU BACK TO THE HELL YOU CAME FROM! YOU AND THESE CATS!!! ”

She hung up. Just another day in rescue.

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